Where is the discussion about how being a gifted adult affects your children? If you have a gifted child, you may have read book about gifted children. Or surfed the net and read websites and participated in forums. Or joined an advocacy group for parents of gifted children. Or all of the above. If you have, you will have come across information about challenges or less likely, the beauty of being the parent of a gifted child. Descriptions of how gifted children can be overwhelming to a parent. Confusing. Intense. A powerful force in the family dynamic. Are perfectionists…or lazy. That gifted children often have high energy levels. Are more likely to be emotionally sensitive. That they feel out of sync inside themselves and relative to their chronological peers. But you are very unlikely to come across information about how YOUR giftedness affects your gifted child.
If you have a gifted child, it is most likely that either you or your child’s other parent are gifted yourselves. Probably both of you. And if you are gifted than the traits and qualities associated with YOUR giftedness also affect your gifted child. YOUR high energy level. YOUR emotional sensitivity. YOUR difficulty in finding a peer whether as a child or now. YOUR intensity. Yet if you read much of what is written about parenting a gifted child, it assumes the relationship is unidirectional: gifted child and their impact on the parent(s) rather than a reciprocal relationship.
There are a couple of exceptions to this omission of how being gifted affects you as a parent. In an interview with Douglas Eby, Stephanie Tolan describes her experience addressing groups of parents of highly gifted children. When Ms. Tolan asks parents if they are gifted themselves, the answer is no or that the other parent must be gifted. James Webb’s book A Parents Guide to Gifted Children
I raise this point because it is very clear to me that I have been affected by my highly gifted parents. In turn, I have no doubt that my giftedness affects my children as much as theirs affects me. For example, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I couldn’t be a stay at home mom. Truthfully, staying at home was not an option due to my financial situation. However, even if I could have, I wouldn’t have. Not because of any philosophy or ideological position and I cannot emphasize strongly enough my respect for any choice a woman makes about work and their children. But because I watched my extremely intelligent mother struggle with being at home without any outlet for many years. And because I have a pretty good awareness of my intensity (most of the time) even though 12 years ago I was unaware that my intensity was related to my being gifted. And I don’t get irritated or angered easily, particularly by children. I wasn’t concerned about being bored or even unpleasant toward my child as a stay at home mom. But I didn’t want to direct the full focus of my intensity on my child- didn’t think that would be particularly good for me or my child. And even still, I’m pretty sure that as a working mom, my children still feel my intensity as I do theirs As I did my own parents. The synergy between members of gifted families can be so powerful – it surprises me that the topic is not at the forefront when discussing gifted children.
I believe children are most strongly influenced by what they see and experience, rather than what they are told. Our words, as much we as parents like to think they carry great weight with our children, usually do not. However, it is my opinion that what we DO influences our children a lot. So, if we spend much energy ensuring they have the ‘right’ education for their intellectual gifts but do not use our intellectual gifts in our work, what do our gifted children make of that? If we encourage our gifted children to manage their intensities, their passions and their intellect but do not do the same for ourselves, what do they learn? If we tell our gifted children to embrace who they are while we deny our own giftedness – which is the stronger message? I really do think that understanding one’s own giftedness is one of the most powerful ways we can support our gifted children.
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