Introversion is a trait correlated with high intelligence. According to Lesley Sword, 2 of 3 people in the general population are extraverted while 3 out of 4 people with IQs over 160 are introverted. Contrary to popular belief, one can be a sociable, personable introvert. The primary distinction between an introvert and an extravert is how one is energized or depleted relative to social interaction. An introvert is drained by social interaction while an extravert is invigorated. If you are wondering which one you are, check out Sword’s Introversion-Extraversion Indicator. For a terrific description of the differences between introverts and extraverts, also read Sword’s The Gifted Introvert.
A number of years ago, as part of team building exercise at work, I completed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Myers-Briggs assesses personality preferences, such as, how I like to receive information, communicate and make decisions. (For those of you have done the MBTI, I was classified as an ENTP). One of the things Myer-Briggs assesses is extraversion and introversion, much like Sword’s Introversion-Extraversion Indicator does above. The extraversion/introversion part of the assessment has always stuck with me, unlike the rest of the exercise, because it helped me understand how I interact with other people and they with me. Extraversion and introversion is a continuum – like other curves reflecting aggregate human behaviour, most of us lie somewhere in the middle with few at the tail ends. My work team at the time was surprised that on the introversion/extraversion scale, I was toward the centre. Most of them would have identified me as full tilt extravert because I really like people and can be quite outgoing when I choose to be. However, like many introverts, I was a very shy child who spent an inordinate amount of time with my head in a book; I don’t care very much what other people think of me and am very comfortable spending time on my own. In fact, I need regular time by myself so I am more introverted than may be apparent.
Nevertheless, I am more extraverted than introverted. While I don’t need to be with other people, being with other people energizes me. I share the extraverted characteristic of thinking better when I can talk things through. The introverted part of me thinks a lot but at the end of the day, I’m a practical doer. Completing Myers-Brigss explained something that has never made sense to me – whether it’s because I’m extraverted or my aversion to social pretense - when people have a public and private personae. I never understood how a person could be one way in public and completely different in private, since I’m pretty much the same regardless of the situation. At worst, it struck me as dishonest and, at best, it struck me as complicated and a waste of energy. However, I learned that this need for a private and public face is not dishonest or contrived but a characteristic of introversion – something I have no personal knowledge of as an extravert. So I’m an extravert. My partner, however, is an introvert.
Recently, my partner suggested I write about what it’s like to be in a relationship with a gifted adult. I’m guessing this was a result of my exasperating him in some way and he wished he had a website to refer to help decode whatever current enthusiasm of mine I was subjecting him to. I need to point out that my partner does not identify himself as a gifted adult. And I’m not going to say he is…but I will say that I have an gifted adult IQ and many, many personality traits consistent with other gifted adults and I can totally be myself with him, talk without censoring my vocabulary, cover a wide range of subjects and not only does he keep up but often outpaces me. So you can come to your own conclusion….When we first met, my partner pointed out that we were both intense – at the time, I laughed it off not knowing yet how right he was. We are two sensitive, intense people with a remarkable number of shared qualities. But one area in which we are fundamentally different is he is an introvert and I am an extravert.
Being with an introvert has taught me a lot because he counterbalances my extraverted tendencies. For example, there are times he has recommended I stop and think something through before rushing into it headfirst and it has served me well. He has shown me a different way of understanding the world and the beauty inherent in his understanding. And this difference in introversion/extraversion has also brought more than its share of misunderstandings - each of us having personalized rather than understanding the basic difference in our wiring. This difference affects how we each understand personal space, communicate, prioritize, interact with other people, process information. As an extravert, I am tempted to provide details about situations where we have clashed due to our extraversion/introversion differences but I know that my introverted partner would totally cringe at what, for him, would be a transgression of privacy.
So, we’re learning. How to respect the other’s needs even though some days they’re on polar opposite ends of the spectrum. Working through the fact that though we share many, many things in common, we understand and process the world from fundamentally different perspectives. Respecting each other’s differences while also taking the other into consideration is definitely a balancing act but sometimes the real value is in the attempt rather than the outcome. My partner has expanded my life in so many ways, I couldn’t even begin to describe them and part of the reason is the significantly different ways we understand the world. And of course, we’re three dimensional people not simply extravert/introverts but the impact of this particular difference has had a profound effect on our relationship: it has made it more challenging but also bigger because it forces us to consider the world from a vantage point that is often 180 degrees apart than our natural inclination. And yes, this difference in extraversion/introversion has made us crazy at times, magnified by our intensity and sensitivity; however, it helps to understand and respect our differences in temperament.
{ 4 comments }
