I’m 38 years old. Like many other people my age, reaching mid-life caused me to re-evaluate many things. For the first part of my life I followed the conventional path Western culture lays out for us. OK, it was done in my slightly off beat way but nevertheless, I am a responsible first born daughter, I was an above average student, went to university, got married, had two children, bought a house, work at a solid, cubicle farm job. For many years, I had my head down, sleepwalking, not questioning any of it, going to school, being a mother, working at my job, taking care of my house, trying to be a good wife, daughter and friend. But I was very unhappy, disconnected from how I felt, from my body, from who I am. And then something snapped inside me and I woke up.
I realized that I had unquestioningly accepted a path for my life but that I didn’t have to. Then I pulled my life down. My marriage ended, I moved away from the neighbourhood I spent most of my life in, quit school. I re-connected with myself and many of the things that matter to me. I lost weight, I pushed myself outside my comfort zone – learned to ski at 34 and skied down the Rocky Mountains, re-focused my time, re-defined my priorities. What I was happy with before I pulled my life down remains: my family, my friends and my children. I didn’t realize what I was going through was a typical mid-life experience. Later I read Gail Sheehy’s Passages and if anyone reading this post is sitting at mid-life surrounded by the rubble of your former life, this book provides tremendous consolation. Sheehy (borrowing from Erikson, Dabrowski, Coles and others), suggests that when people reach mid-life, we are necessarily at a cross roads. Some of us take stock of where we were are and decide we’re OK heading down the same path for the rest of our life. Those of us who realize we’re not heading the right direction can either make significant changes or keep marching down the familiar, unhappy road. Here’s the comforting part – Sheehy argues that those who need to make significant changes at mid-life and act on that need, are ultimately happier. If nothing else, I found Sheehy’s book reassuring as she described the 20’s as the decade of where many of us follow the ’shoulds’ of society and our 30’s as the decade we re-evaluate the decisions of our 20’s. (I would quote directly from the book but like many books I enjoy, it is no longer on my bookshelf as I have given it to a friend whom I hope will find it helpful). By the way, the book is culturally biased and Passages was written in 1976 and I expect some people will find it a little dated. However, since I committed to my children’s father at a young age (20) and had my children younger than most of my friends, as a modern day throw back, I found the life stages outlined by Sheehy 33 years ago still applied to me.
Do gifted adults experience mid-life differently than the rest of population? I have no empirical proof but my guess is yes. If we process and understand other things differently in general, than we would also experience mid-life differently. What would make a gifted adult experience at mid-life differently? We tend to process our emotions on steroids compared to the general population – faced with the questions that tend to come up with mid-life, a gifted adult is likely to consider them and feel them more intensely. Many gifted adults have already been wrestling with some of the issues that typically face people at mid-life, since they were children such as: the realization that our time on this planet is finite, the awareness that ultimately we are alone in this world, deciding what really matters to us in this life. Personally, my ingrained need to evolve, entelechy, came to the forefront. While I allowed this feeling to lay dormant for a while, I ultimately I needed to challenge the status quo and actively seek something better, not just in the outside world but inside myself. I was also influenced by my ability to predict the logical outcome of things – if I did not make a change in my life, I clearly understood that continuing as I was would only bring me more of the same and more unhappiness.
The one major area of my life that remains to be addressed is work. Learning about what it means to be a gifted adult has provided me with tremendous insight into why work has been a challenge for me. I created this website, in part, to better understand work as it relates to being a gifted adult as I have been unable to find much information about adult giftedness and careers.
So here I am at mid-life, seeking a work environment that feeds my brain, fit with the priorities in my life after having turned my life inside out and upside down. Did I hit a fork in the road mid-life because I’m gifted? Nope. Did my giftedness affect the decisions I made and how I felt? I think so.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
At 39, I’m not sure if being a gifted adult has made mid-life different, but it’s sure been different (though almost the opposite from what you describe). Grew up in my parents’ world of foreign places, ususual people and strange things (Art History) among folk at least twenty-five years older or in the American inner-city, either way prudence, being upright and having character meant not coming to a bad end by natural consequences. My only conventional “normal”-type life was in higher education, where self-destructive, loadmouthed, impulsive behavior was “poh-tential” and made one a better person somehow. (”You’re an adult,” I got told my first year at college. “There’s nothing here for you.” And again, by another person, the year I graduated– with “Eww, you’re like my father” from the opposite sex in between.) Looking for a job afterward, I got kicked out of an interview to “What’s wrong, didn’t you LIKE school?!” for graduating college in three years with honors on my resumé. (”You think in terms of an outcome and try to achieve it!” someone criticized me later. “Look, I recruit for Dilbert jobs; you’re qualified to be either Rambo or Batman, and I’m just not looking for that!” I heard further along while thinking of getting out of the service.) “Why can’t you be passive, selfish and hypersensitive like a Goddamn normal person?!” a significant other then said, shortly before kicking me to the curb, after eight years. A decade later, I’m getting divorced from a women I met while she was on chemotherapy for breast cancer because I don’t meet her emotional needs as I don’t “need” her in return and “that’s just how you are” after another eight years. (I’d reminded both of them of their fathers initially.) The life lessons I learned with Baby Boomers in the early-’70s, then the intervening generation, my own generation, the next bunch, etc. are the same over and over again; life and what’s important in it don’t change. Re-evaluate? Do everything my grandparents ever said wasn’t a good idea, make myself miserable and unhappy, until one day I find out they were right? Now, huh? (I don’t begrudge anyone figuring out what’s best in life and making a change, but… I hope everyone knows what the acronym WTF? stands for because nicer words fail me. It’s tempting to say “When you people make up you minds, call me!” but I’d be waiting a LONG time, I know.) Again. I’m not sure if being a gifted adult has made mid-life different, but it’s sure been different… and for quite a while now.
P.S. After considering this some more, but in terms of romantic stuff… The gifted, whether dysynchronous or synchronous in their personal development, are always going to be “different” (as in “not like other guys”) social-affectively in some manner which can affect things romantic (feelings, interaction and all). Unfortunately, as misery loves company, people prefer “someone like me” familiarity over anything else– especially in a no-consequence, benign environment where one can “authentically” sink to the lowest common denominator without risk– and familiarity breeds not only contempt but offspring. (Responsibility is a “drag” and feeling good is where it’s at– life in the suburbs, right?) With nothing better to do, people often tend to do that. Here, the gifted– the effective “group” in cooperative learning, “Do my homework or I’ll beat you up, punk!” etc.– are “beta” males/females (more introverted, you see) and not “a lotta fun” compared to supposedly extroverted non-gifted folk who are. (”Nice guys are for raising babies, bad boys are for making ‘em”– not my particular trouble, but…– if you ever hear your significant other’s said this [obviously not in your presence] dump her before she can touch you again… with the gifted’s greater “provider” potential and the bottle-neck in compatible partner availability exceptional intelligence brings, be aware.) Being both nice and strong (a combination that puzzles the above folk, the social-affective “difference” on my part making them shy away because they “don’t know what to expect”) I’m personally fed-up with being wanted and then rejected for the same qualities by the same person, especially after commitment and a few years have been involved. (Me? I’ve wasted my life being a responsible “loser” and should’ve been a selfish it’s-only-bad-to-get-caught “player” instead, but that would’ve hurt people and been wrong– a Promise Keeper complained I was “morally inflexible” once, go figure. Not that I’d change now anyway; I’d rather be alone than do wrong or get sh*t on, but it’s not the ideal.) Everyone lives in glass houses and throws stones (bad stuff won’t happen to them, of course) and the gifted, who see the obvious problem with all that, can either go along with it as dweebs or have nothing.
P.P.S. On the subject of things romantic, I can across Roissy in DC http://roissy.wordpress.com/ which, of course, is rather sexist and all about “game” and how nice guys are chumps, etc. He did have the following: Dating Market Value Test for Men http://roissy.wordpress.com/dating-market-value-test-for-men/ (with a similar on for women) that had as its Question 15:
15. What is your IQ?
Under 85: -1 point
85 to 110: 0 points
110 to 130: +1 point
130 to 145: 0 points
over 145: -1 point
To which a posted comment http://roissy.wordpress.com/dating-market-value-test-for-men/#comment-45016 added:
“Finally the comments about intellect. Roissy is 100% right that super-normative intelligence works against you if you don’t disguise it. I speak from experience in that I had a tough time in school and didn’t come into my own until college because I unwittingly intimidated people by my intellect. This is because when you are operating at a functional level several standard deviations above the average, you don’t realize that virtually nobody’s vocabulary exceeds 1000 words, that most don’t remember a damn thing they learn and that the associations they make between things and their creative thought processes are pretty much limited to the visceral instinctual needs. What to eat. When to poop. Where to I stick it when I need to get off. Much above this is beyond the writhing masses. It’s not that they openly hate you, it’s just that they feel inferior and nobody likes to feel that. … Generally people like to think that they want someone smart, but what they are really saying is I don’t want a blithering idiot. Women mean they want a man that’s about their (average) intelligence.”
Rather sexist? How about full blown misogyny
.
So OK, yes – someone with average intelligence is unlikely to appreciate above average intelligence in the opposite sex. But flip it around – the posted comment above describing the ‘average person’ as someone who is ‘limited to their visceral needs’ doesn’t sound particularly appreciative to my ears either. A gifted adult whose romantic partner isn’t their intellectual equal is probably no more tolerant of them than the other way around – both sending the message that there’s something ‘wrong’ with the other when really the only thing wrong is that your’re not well matched. I think intellectual incompatibility is very difficult thing to overcome in a romantic relationship so why waste time worrying about the people who don’t appreciate intelligence because how many gifted adults really want to be with someone who is not equally intelligent and/or does not appreciate intelligence?
One other thing – that Roissy guy, I think he misses the point about Alpha males. Sure, some women are attracted to Alpha males but I think it’s the confidence factor rather than the BS posturing. Yes, BS posturing can also work…to a point, particularly in a superficial dating environment. But I think real confidence, in women and men, gifted, non-gifted is a universally attractive quality which draws people in a myriad of environments. True confidence cannot be faked and will compensate for many ‘deviations from the norm’ that the Roissys of the world will say are important: looks, intelligence, status….Think about it.
True, Roissy is pretty much just this side of the Taliban (my apologies) but they’re few other sources, nice or not, on this. His rabid scoremeister mindset doesn’t exactly thrill me (depresses me, more like it) either.
His commenter isn’t much better. I get the impression he’s had too many females, whom he liked and could’ve had something with, giggle blankly at his getting to know them, wander off and hook-up with some less-intelligent guy they complain about but understood better instead. (Been there, done that. Familiarity breeds contempt– and offspring.) I wouldn’t go to his extent of how low-ball the “writhing masses” are (he’s bitter, I’ll give him that) but there is a certain expect-less-and-get-it ethos at work, especially today. Intellectual incompatibility sure is a pain.
Confidence is good (I agree) but do folk want real or fake? (Aye, there’s the rub.) Roissy captures the modern preference: Fake, by a wide margin. People who grow up in the suburbs and work in a cube farm, all in a “safe” environment where feelings count without natural consequences, think it’s “manly” (Alpha) to be selfish, impulsive and loudmouthed– “a faint heart never won a fair lady”– and “loser” (Beta) to be responsible, considerate and otherwise a sucker. Those “edgy” badboys have “poh-tential” and they’re “a lot of fun,” not to mention “never apologize, it’s a sign of weakness,” make ‘em wait for you and all that. It’s what they like; this is the “dating game” or just the “game” Roissy would prescribe. Superficial BS (yay, free orgasms)! Real confidence is pedestrian and, when connected with real consequences, makes said suburbanites “uncomfortable” because they “don’t know what to expect” and they don’t like that. (Real confidence plus a 150+ IQ? Ditto.) Until, of course, it becomes a real-consequence environment and they decide what they like changes. “No one loves a soldier ’til the enemy’s at the gate,” as the old saying goes.
In my case, being habitually clean-living and responsible like I could get killed otherwise (my experience growing up, which I enjoyed) has been felt naive and not “out-going” enough– confidence AND responsibility, together?– until I talk freely and upset “worldly” folk. Turning down “hot” wives who hit on me (with kids in tow, in front of husbands, etc. sometimes) while all the decent women want Jerk McDumbass has left me alone a lot. On the rare occasions being a “good man” amounts to something, it usually ends because I’m supposed to include doormat (see Beta) in that and I’m just not. (Having integrity is a career-killer, I’ve also be warned… hell, just put on Clint Eastwood’s movie Heartbreak Ridge at this point.) So it goes.
Beatin’ a dead horse here, but have you all read about the sailor who was killed because the murderer wanted his life (wife, kids, money, etc.)? Well, the perp– Alpha-male, confident– stole the guy’s wife and got her to help kill him for the death benefits.
“‘He wanted the life, the family, the security’ that [the sailor] had, Samuels [the prosecutor] said. ‘He decided to take what wasn’t his by force … He showed no hesitation.’”
“The night of the murder, Draven [the murderer] wrote a status posting on his My Space account. The status was ‘Accomplished’.”
“Conspirator in Sailor’s Slaying Gets Three Life Terms,” Daily Press, 18 NOV 09
http://www.dailypress.com/news/dp-local_dravensentence_1118nov18,0,5538623.story
Sure, he could give her pot and other things her boring provider naval officer husband (who, like her father, was probably responsible and gone much of the time doing work) couldn’t. Daring, knows what he wants and goes for it! Edgy! Confident! Manly! Arousing!
That’s where all this character-doesn’t-matter “he’s a lot of fun” Alpha-worship gets people. And, see, Responsible = Target. (Wife sure gave it up for the Badboy, didn’t she? Even though she had two kids by her husband already.) Confidence and character, in the cro magnon emotional reasoning, are mutually exclusive… confident people don’t need to be responsible, that’s for Beta losers they can take all the good stuff from.
For the gifted, who (on average) are more conscientious and have greater earning potential, this sucks. (No one’s ever heard “Do my homework or I’ll beat you up, punk!” before, right?) Being confident AND responsible à la John Wayne doesn’t have a place. (That’s too “uptight” and not “authentic” in this sensitive day and age, you know.) For the gifted, Smart = Beta is what they’re allowed. If you’re a selfish hun, you have potential (excuse me, “poh-tential” as I’ve heard it pronounced career-wise)… if you’re smart, well you can be an accountant. Anything else is bad. “Rank x Intelligence = A Constant” as they used to say in the service (i.e., the “compensatory weakness” theory of giftedness) captures this social notion. (In my case, I’m “hardheaded and don’t listen” and alone now when “John Wayne” got me the woman in the first place… not being acceptably Beta as responsible “good man” overcame my value once the Seven Year Itch boredom set in, again, tells me a lot. A tall, good-looking, combatant military officer with six-pack abs, I just have to play dumb for the rest of my life.) Stud or smart, but you can’t be both… in a whole bunch of social venues (work, romance, etc.).
But, enough of all this (Alles fertig gemacht! Finished!) as commentary from me to a post about being gifted at mid-life and how that affects it. Really, I’m re-evaluating things (being alone approaching 40 can do that) and don’t know just what I should do differently now, except that I should’ve flailed around recklessly on the way up (and gone “there but for the grace of God go I” when other people doing the same thing went down the drain) like everyone else, instead of learning from other people’s mistakes, as that “someone like me” commonality (“misery loves company,” if you’re negative) has been more important. Because, just like college, if you don’t meet your spouse when you’re a Freshman they won’t be there on your arm when you’re a Senior. (Sorry, if you’re going to drink now after reading that, please don’t drive.)
Forgive the late addition…
“Why Women Really Do Love Self-Obsessed Psychopaths,” by Steven Conner, The Independent, 19 June 2008:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/why-women-really-do-love-selfobsessed-psychopaths-850007.html
“Quants Get No Love,” Alpha Dominance, 11 June 2008
http://alphadominance.com/?p=1152#more-1152
and (for good measure)
“Intelligence Equals Isolation,” TV Tropes.com
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IntelligenceEqualsIsolation
(See under “Real Life” at the page botthom…
“?To elaborate/simplify, it’s all about the jokes. 30 IQ points is just the right amount of difference for the joke repertoire and capability of understanding of such jokes of two individuals to nearly completely miss each other. And if you can’t bond through humor, that gets rid of the purpose for most platonic relationships.”
A mostly-nonverbal picture thinker, I suck at Math (notably computation, Geometry is better). Son of an Alpha-male and a high-testosterone women like described in the Quants article, I’m tall, dark and handsome, with the constitution and libido of a bull. I do heroic badass stuff for a living and like blowing things up. And, I’m as responsible, honorable and just plain doing the right thing with people as a John Wayne character. AH, that’s where I suck! I’m not an evil rat who’s “a lotta fun,” I’m worthless… don’t even rate being a decent provider because I’m not a doormat. When they want “bad boys,” they mean BAD boys: bad is “masculine,” like criminal or terrorist. (Pardon me folks, just a little miffed at the moment.)
Now, I am going to go drink… if I had any booze in the house, that is (damn not being an alcoholic).
I can totally identify with this post. I’m currently 36 and male.
To make a long story short, I was always a wallflower. I met my wife when I was 20 and was attracted to her outgoing nature. She took an interest in me and I married her. Life starts and it seems like all she cares about is money. I make more and more yet can never make ends meet. I end up doing independent consulting and making about $200k a year. Still not enough. Wife starts three quiznos franchises which all fail. I was in debt up to my ass and
always had this nagging depression or feeling like I was avoiding something. I pushed the envelope at work and to some extent created my bosses power base. Always feeling like the man behind the curtain planting thought seeds into the wild to bring about the change I wanted in the group but never had the title or official power. Miserable in marriage. Bored in all aspects of life. Has to be more to life than my wife watching tv and me being a piggy bank. Have an affair with a 22 year old redhead. End up leaving her for a 23 year old artist. End up walking out on my job one day my boss was giving me crap. On the brink of divorce. Financially if I sell my house instart at zero debt and zero liabilities. I have a three year old son who I need to put through school. During the last 2 years of this combination mid-life, existential, identity crisis I have deconstructed my reality and how I came to be. I found my birth mother and half sister. One thing I got stuck on was my giftedness. I was in gifted growing up but got kicked out in 8th grade due to behavioral issues. I got perfect grades most of my life and never even tried. In HS I got almost perfect grades but slacked a bit. Still pretty much did nothing. Went to college. Slacked. Crammed on finals and got through school without really trying. Now I reflect and hate myself. I never had the
necessary role models to understand the point of my talents whatever they are. I joined a group for highly sensitive people and have bumped into a ton of other INFP types. I finally for once in my life feel like I’ve found peers. One guy I have been having coffee with has a 190 IQ and he’s taken an odd interest in me. I’ve talked to a few writers. I also recently started conversing with a 30 year old woman who made enough in selling her software business that she never has to work again. A three hour conversation. Terribly energizing. For the last many years I have been thinking about the structure of all of our reality. The marlstrom of instantiated thought bubbles that have made up all of human history. As part of this journey I have come to many conclusions about many things on my own only to subsequently read things from Einstein, Plato, Socrates, and many others in the realm of spirituality and being completely validated in my thoughts. I don’t feel nearly as smart as them but to have the thoughts and then read that they had the same ones I find a bit odd. I am lost with work. Been out for a year. I fear if I go back I will lose my true path whatever it may be. I feel greedy. Why do I think I’m so special I have to give something back to the world? Is it a higher calling or is it vanity and narcissism? Seems to be the only point in life to me. Give back or just watch tv your whole life. I wish I could have come across these philosophies much younger or had something to hurt me or make me self aware enough to wake up. Now I’m awake. Now what? The world seems as a canvas where all pre-existing traditions, ideas, or institutions are entirely shapable.