Where is the discussion about how being a gifted adult affects your children? If you have a gifted child, you may have read book about gifted children. Or surfed the net and read websites and participated in forums. Or joined an advocacy group for parents of gifted children. Or all of the above. If you have, you will have come across information about challenges or less likely, the beauty of being the parent of a gifted child. Descriptions of how gifted children can be overwhelming to a parent. Confusing. Intense. A powerful force in the family dynamic. Are perfectionists…or lazy. That gifted children often have high energy levels. Are more likely to be emotionally sensitive. That they feel out of sync inside themselves and relative to their chronological peers. But you are very unlikely to come across information about how YOUR giftedness affects your gifted child.
If you have a gifted child, it is most likely that either you or your child’s other parent are gifted yourselves. Probably both of you. And if you are gifted than the traits and qualities associated with YOUR giftedness also affect your gifted child. YOUR high energy level. YOUR emotional sensitivity. YOUR difficulty in finding a peer whether as a child or now. YOUR intensity. Yet if you read much of what is written about parenting a gifted child, it assumes the relationship is unidirectional: gifted child and their impact on the parent(s) rather than a reciprocal relationship.
There are a couple of exceptions to this omission of how being gifted affects you as a parent. In an interview with Douglas Eby, Stephanie Tolan describes her experience addressing groups of parents of highly gifted children. When Ms. Tolan asks parents if they are gifted themselves, the answer is no or that the other parent must be gifted. James Webb’s book A Parents Guide to Gifted Children
I raise this point because it is very clear to me that I have been affected by my highly gifted parents. In turn, I have no doubt that my giftedness affects my children as much as theirs affects me. For example, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I couldn’t be a stay at home mom. Truthfully, staying at home was not an option due to my financial situation. However, even if I could have, I wouldn’t have. Not because of any philosophy or ideological position and I cannot emphasize strongly enough my respect for any choice a woman makes about work and their children. But because I watched my extremely intelligent mother struggle with being at home without any outlet for many years. And because I have a pretty good awareness of my intensity (most of the time) even though 12 years ago I was unaware that my intensity was related to my being gifted. And I don’t get irritated or angered easily, particularly by children. I wasn’t concerned about being bored or even unpleasant toward my child as a stay at home mom. But I didn’t want to direct the full focus of my intensity on my child- didn’t think that would be particularly good for me or my child. And even still, I’m pretty sure that as a working mom, my children still feel my intensity as I do theirs As I did my own parents. The synergy between members of gifted families can be so powerful – it surprises me that the topic is not at the forefront when discussing gifted children.
I believe children are most strongly influenced by what they see and experience, rather than what they are told. Our words, as much we as parents like to think they carry great weight with our children, usually do not. However, it is my opinion that what we DO influences our children a lot. So, if we spend much energy ensuring they have the ‘right’ education for their intellectual gifts but do not use our intellectual gifts in our work, what do our gifted children make of that? If we encourage our gifted children to manage their intensities, their passions and their intellect but do not do the same for ourselves, what do they learn? If we tell our gifted children to embrace who they are while we deny our own giftedness – which is the stronger message? I really do think that understanding one’s own giftedness is one of the most powerful ways we can support our gifted children.
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AMEN! As a life coach to gifted grownups and parents of gifted children, I see exactly what you’re saying over and over in spades. You have raised extremely salient points, ones we need to explore more. I am actively pursuing this topic; tomorrow on my blog I will post a ginormous list of gifted grownup characteristics. I hope that you visit, that we can continue this dialog, and that we can see gifted grownups living fulfilled lives and making the impact on the world–and on their children–that they were created to make.
Wow! It was only recently, when starting to research parenting of my gifted 6-year-old, that I started to see the many traits that gifted kids carry into adulthood. Many of the traits described in various books suddenly jumped out at me. They were not only describing my daughter, but describing my experience as a child.
Recently I came to the realization that I had allowed myself to dampen down my enthusiasm, drive and passion. Of course, it was an experience with my daughter that triggered it, and it took the characteristic navel gazing of a gifted individual to really make me see what was going on. So I embarked on a series of projects to reignite my flame. And the main reason was because I want my daughter to see Daddy at his best. If I don’t show her my best, how can I expect her to try to achieve her best?
It is a challenge, to say the least. But your post hits the nail on the head. Our intensity should not be dimmed, but celebrated. And by doing so, we show our kids how to celebrate their as well.
I totally understand – despite being identified as gifted as a child, my experience parenting my gifted daughter was the catalyst for taking another look at myself as an adult.
On another note – I took a look at your website and was interested to see your blog post on returning to the theatre http://www.leosoderman.com/?p=154 – funny coincidence…in addition to attending a gifted program, I also attended a school for the arts and spent many years rooted in the theatre. Recently, a classmate of mine who attended both programmes got in touch with me and it got me thinking about the overlap between artistic and intellectual giftedness. The competition to be in the arts programme was very stiff and the academic programme represented the top 2% of a standardized assessment – interesting how many of us wound up in both programmes. Had me thinking about a number of things: the congruency of the emotional sensitivities of both groups, that in both programmes we tended to be more physically demonstrative than other students, wondering how many of us have now set aside the creative part of ourselves for ‘grown up responsibilities’, made me miss the feeling of being surrounded by a likeminded group of people working towards an end goal (performance). Your post mentions how you miss the confidence and fearlessness of youth – I’m guessing that aging does that to a lot of us anyway, but I wonder if that process is accelerated for sensitive gifted adults in a non-supportive environment. By the way, I think it’s awesome that you’re actively finding ways to incorporate your creative side.
Here’s perhaps a different topic: ever think your giftedness as a child frustrates your not-necessarily-labelled-as-gifted children? Is it a lot for them to live up to?
How do adults who read the politics section of the newspaper as 10-year-olds feel about their own kids who don’t? Is it frustrating?
As a former “gifted” student I don’t like the label. It did give me advantages of a class of similar kids and an instructor who helped me look at the world differently. But does it really matter as an adult? I would do everything to prevent myself being labeled a gifted adult. Perhaps I’m of the anti-gifted persuasion…
Having gifted parents means not getting to slack-off or get away with stuff you could otherwise (i.e., they know better) not to mention making giftedness normal. It can, given the varied effects giftedness may have, mean other things. Put in terms of titles of those helpful Scriptographic booklets we got in school (balloon figures, easy to read, on lovely topics such as “Bulimia” or “Sexually Transmitted Dieases” or “Alcohol”) we could have:
When a Parent’s Perfectionistic and You’re Not
Do I Have to Be a Vegan, Liberal Pacifist Living in a Commune?
and
Mom and Dad, Chill About the Coming Ice Age, Global Warming or Whatever It Is Now Already, I Get It!
Of course, giftedness might not directly affect that , but the DEGREE of that it sure can. Parents and kids may or may not want to do different things, as you know.
I have also been struck by this topic while doing SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) groups for parents. I will be speaking about this topic at the upcoming California Association for the Gifted conference in March 2010. I am currently collecting examples from clinicians to include in my presentation. Please e-mail me if your are interested!