Really, I haven’t a clue. I find the idea of being realistic challenging and sometimes puzzling and I believe this quality is related to being a gifted adult. I am frequently admonished to be realistic and, in fact, I often remind myself of the need to be realistic. But I’ve been questioning: what does being realistic mean to me really?
Being realistic is a relative thing. First, what is realistic for someone else may not be realistic for me and vice versa. I know that I am sometimes reminded to be realistic when I already KNOW that I AM being realistic…for me. But what is realistic for me is not the same as for the person reminding me. At the same time, I know that I also assume that what is realistic for me, as a gifted adult, energy wise, cognitively, is equally possible for those around me when often that is not the case.
Also, for me, I think it is realistic to strive for an ideal. I have a natural inclination towards seeing things as they should be, a constant desire to improve. This is sometimes misunderstood as dissatisfaction which it generally isn’t. And while I prefer to achieve an end goal, the drive is rooted in the act of improving rather than an end state of being improved. Just to make everyone around me totally crazy, I not only have a continual need to improve but for me it’s not an exercise but a moral imperative. My desire to move towards things as they ’should be’ is linked to my value system – for me, it is the ‘right thing’ to seek an ideal and wrong to turn a blind eye to things that I feel are wrong. When I am admonished, or admonish myself, to be realistic, I sometimes interpret this instruction to mean I should settle for less than I think should be. If I do that, I deny what I think is one of the best parts of me. Somehow, I think my inclination to see things in a way that is seen as unrealistic is tied to entelechy (that new word for me): the drive to be the fullest version of who I am. There is a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation - it is the opposite of ‘being realistic’ and it captures my innate approach to life better than I could ever do.
As a society, we often coerce each other, in fact, we place a premium on ‘being realistic’ but when you think about it, it’s the unrealistic people who drive change and make a difference. Many things we now accept as realistic, at one time were not. Technological advances from plows to engines to electrical devices to computers to steam locomotives, cars, airplanes to the Salk vaccine to the elimination of small pox to the treatment of HIV to suffrage for women, the dissolution of apartheid in South Africa to the current peace in Ireland. All of this, at one time, very unrealistic.
I was going to say that being realistic should mean having clarity about what’s realistic for others around me. But I’m not even sure about that because I am constantly amazed how people rise to your expectations of them and how I am capable of rising to the expectations of others. There have been people in my life who have held the bar high for me, grounded in the belief that I was capable. I have always done better with people who believe in me and push me than those who remind me to be their version of realistic.
Now obviously, having my own gifted adult version of being realistic has a down side. It can lead to burning myself out, transform into cynicism. But I really don’t want to give up what others often perceive as unrealistic, in fact I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. What I can do and try to do is this:
- remember that not everyone thinks the same way as me
- choose my battles; not misdirect my energy on things that don’t matter and prevent myself from focusing on what does matter to me
- surround with people who also focus on striving and improving rather than people who would prefer to concentrate on what can’t be done
And I try to remember that there are only168 hours in a week but I’m really not so great with that one – I still prefer to think I can bend time. Even I know that I need to be more realistic about that. For me, I think it’s realistic to accept that what I think is realistic is most people would think is unrealistic. And really, I think we might all be better off being a little less realistic.
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